For the music, see YouTube  (starts at 50 seconds). Any singer or Gilbert and Sullivan Society is welcome to take the words and run with them – please let me know when you do.

I am the very model of a modern climate heretic,

I quibble and prevaricate, and cherry-pick each statistic,

I fulminate and froth a bit and calumnate the lot of it,

I am the very model of a modern climate heretic.

They say that burning fossil fuels is warming up the atmosphere,

That all our greenhouse gases will eliminate the biosphere,

But since there is a God above who’s always looking after us,

There’s little sense in worrying about a weak hypothesis.

Chorus:

There’s little sense in worrying about a weak hypothesis,

There’s little sense in worrying about a weak hypothesis,

There’s little sense in worrying about a weak hypothe-pothe-sis,

They say the Arctic’s melting and that soon there’ll be no polar bears,

They say the sea is rising and our future will be perilous,

And all because of fossil fuels, those jolly jolly fossil fuels,

And all because we’re burning all those jolly jolly fossil fuels.

Chorus:

And all because of fossil fuels, those jolly jolly fossil fuels,

And all because we’re burning all those jolly jolly fossil fuels.

 

They say the world is warming but I will not have a bit of it,

The weather’s always changing, so we shouldn’t make a thing of it,

It’s all so very natural, I am so very practical,

I am the very model of a modest climate factual.

They want to stop us driving and they’d like to take my car away,

They build those horrid wind turbines that spoil my lovely view all day,

Oh how they do pontificate, pronounce and co-conspiritate,

They get under my skin and then they bloody bloody irritate.

Chorus:

They get under his skin and then they bloody bloody irritate,

They get under his skin and then they bloody bloody irritate,

They get under his skin and then they bloody bloody bloody irritate.

They say the climate scientists are telling us the truth of it

That new computer models tell us everything we know of it,

But why should I accept a bit? Their science may be left a bit,

So why should I believe them when they are so very full of it?

Chorus:

But why should he accept a bit? Their science may be left a bit,

So why should he believe them when they are so very full of it?

We’ve got to stop their nonsense, all their science and sociology,

Why should we change our lifestyles for their silly ideology?

They mustn’t touch our fossil fuels, our precious precious fossil fuels,

We’ve got to stop them quick before they sink the whole economy.

I do believe it’s sunspots that are really all the cause of it,

Or maybe cosmic rays from space, that blast the Sun’s magnetic bit

And if there is some warming, well, it has a lot of benefits,

A little bit of added heat will help my garden grow a bit.

Chorus:

A little bit of added heat will help his garden grow a bit,

A little bit of added heat will help his garden grow a bit,

A little bit of added heat will help his garden grow a bit-a-bit

 

Chorus, facing the audience, slower tempo, with urgency:

 

What can we do to scupper all this nonsense and stupidity?

It’s hurting all our efforts to resolve Earth’s climate tragedy,

We need to break with fossil fuels, those carbon-breathing fossil fuels,

We need a better future that is hopeful and sustainable.

We need to break with fossil fuels, those carbon-breathing fossil fuels,

We need a better future that is hopeful and sustainable.

Guy Dauncey

guydauncey@earthfuture.com

www.earthfuture.com